It's taken me a year to write this, but there is no detail I could forget. So here it is, the story of Lila's birth.
It was 11:30PM on September 6th, 2014, 4 days before my due date, and I was lying in bed reading with Ethan was in the room next door getting ready for bed. It was out of no where that I looked up from my phone, glanced over toward the window diagonally across from me, just one steps worth of distance away, and thought to myself.. my water is going to break right over that spot. It was one of those deep subconscious thoughts that makes its way to your conscious without any understanding of it. So I looked back down at my phone to continue reading when I felt something like a release. It wasn't a strong or obvious feeling, just something. I genuinely thought there was no way this was actually what was happening, but I stood up anyway. And just like that I felt a gush, right over the spot I envisioned it happening moments before. My water broke.
I kind of just froze and awkwardly smiled in disbelief, then yelled for Ethan. He came in and I could see on his face he knew why I was summonsing him. I still felt the need to tell him, or maybe I just needed to say it out loud. Either way we were now both just kind of frozen. For the next hour that awkward smile, an outward expression of excitement, giddiness, fear, anticipation, nerves, was plastered on my face. We sat in the bathroom and went back and forth like a ping pong ball saying "I can't believe this is happening". At this point I wasn't having any contractions, but we called our midwives to let them know what was going on. They said get some rest and call when you're contractions get strong and long. I finished packing my hospital bag, we got the car loaded, and got into bed. Low and behold the minute we turned off the lights, my contractions started. It was 12:30AM on Wednesday, September 7th.
I worked through my early contractions in bed, and let Ethan sleep a bit. I finally couldn't sit still enough to stay in bed, so I went into the nursery to work through my contractions on my hands and knees. Ethan called the midwives around 4AM to let them know I was having an increasingly difficult time. They said the longer I could labor at home the better, so they gave us the goal of a 5:30AM hospital check in. I told Ethan to go back to bed and I traveled downstairs to the living room. The snapshot in my mind of this is me on all fours, rocking forward and back, crunching down into child's pose, breathing deeply into the pain, and watching the bright blue light of the clock on the cable box in an otherwise dark room. Ethan came down to check on me at around 5:15AM and I said I felt like I could power through a bit longer at home. I didn't realize that E was becoming concerned about being at home, in only his care, at the level of pain I was obviously in. At about 6:15AM we decided it was time to go. I was really nervous about having contractions in the car, because the hands and knees positioning was the single most important tool I had to get myself somewhat comfortable during them. Sitting upright and still was not an ideal position. There was no other option, it had to be done, so in the car we went. I breathed deeply into the one contraction I experienced and we made the quick trip. The sky was still dark, there wasn't a soul around, and it felt like the rest of the world had temporarily paused for the arrival of our baby.
Once we arrived at the hospital, I experienced a contraction during the walk from the car to the door. I looked up at the hospital as I crouched down to work through it and thought, the next time I'll see the exterior of this hospital we will have our baby in our arms.